Carnival of Rust
by CauseChocolateRocks
Summary: He loved her. Yet he married another. Can he bring himself to forget that union, just for a night? Or will he want more? And will she? Songfic/Oneshot/HGRL


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: Songfic made for 'Carnival of Rust', by Poets of the Fall. There's a poll on my profile for those who want a sequel. Please vote and review! **

**Carnival of Rust**

_**Remus Lupin**_

Remus couldn't help it. He stared. He stared at the woman who in a few more minutes would be his wife. She was beautiful, he couldn't deny it. Her long dark brown curls hung around her face, making her pale skin glow slightly. Her purple eyes shone with happiness, yet he couldn't bring himself to feel the same way too. She was perfect.

Too perfect. So perfect she looked fake. Like a porcelain doll with a painted face.

But Nymphandora Tonks never wore make-up. She didn't need to. Her Metamorphagus abilities enabled her to change her appearance at will, making her inevitably flawless. But that wasn't what he wanted. Nevertheless, he said the damned words. "I do."

He instantly regretted them.

He had told Harry so, of course, when he had come to visit. The three had been very surprised to see him. He hadn't cared, of course, because he had seen _her._

Hermione Granger. She was flawless, a different type of flawless from his wife altogether. She was a natural. When he had first met her, she had been the bushy-haired-bookworm everyone still saw her as. In the past years, she had grown in a beautiful young woman. A woman who had taken his breath away for the fraction of a second when their eyes had connected.

And then Harry had interrupted. He had even gone as far as get mad at him for leaving his wife. But he didn't know. He _couldn't_ know. He had the girl he wanted, at least, while Remus was stuck with an unwanted wife and an unwanted unborn child.

He knew Tonks had done it on purpose because she had felt he was drifting away from him. He had been, but that wasn't the point. And it very well certainly wasn't something he needed The Boy Who Lived to know right now.

So he lost it. He lost all control as the wolf inside him roared in rage. And he left.

But she followed. She followed him out of the house, and hung on to his arm as he Apparated away. It was only when he landed on the doorstep of his home that he noticed the small shivering frame clinging onto his arm. He stared at her, his anger still boiling in his chest, unable to yank her off him for fear he might hurt her.

Finally, she detached herself from him on her own. But he didn't manage to walk away. His inner animal howled in frustration, but still Remus wouldn't budge. Her eyes were poring into his, smooth pools of hot chocolate, and he couldn't bear to look away, for fear she would disappear in a puff of smoke. She seemed to feel the same way too.

After a while, still not saying anything, he motioned to the house, and she nodded. He looked away from her to unlock the door, before swinging it open and holding it for her. She stepped in obediently, not meeting his eye.

As he shut the door behind her, he saw her acknowledge her surroundings. His house wasn't big. It wasn't small either. It was just the right size for him, Dora and, he cringed, their baby. The furniture was mostly wooden and the ceiling low. There were tiles on the floor of the kitchen, but floorboards in the rest of the ground floor.

When she had finished looking around, he gestured towards a red plush sofa, were she sat down. "Tea?" he asked. It was the first word either of them had said, and it resounded in the emptiness of the house. She nodded and he stepped out to make the water boil. It did so rather quickly, with a little help from magic, and soon enough he was walking back in to the living room, tray in hand.

He found Hermione staring at a picture. He set the tray on a table and went to stand behind her to look over her shoulder. It was a picture of his wedding.

Hermione pointed at his miniature self smiling slightly at the camera. "You don't look so happy there." she observed.

"I wasn't." he answered. She turned around to face him, surprise evident in the lines of her face. "I didn't truly want to marry her. It was just… After the stunt she pulled in the Hospital Wing a few months ago, everyone expected us to marry. So… I did what was expected of me." he explained.

"I know how that feels." she whispered. Now it was his turn to be surprised. "Everyone expected Ron and me to be dating by now. They think that since I can't be with Harry because he loves Ginny, I _have_ to end up with Ron. And the truth is… I don't want to."

He smiled slightly. She was cute when she blushed. "Why?" he asked. "Has someone else caught your attention?"

"As a matter of fact," she said, placing the picture back on its shelf. "Yes."

His heart skipped a beat. "Really? And who might that lucky young man be?" he asked.

She stared at him, her arms hanging limply down her sides, her eyes showing so many conflicting emotions Remus was surprised she didn't explode. "You." she whispered finally.

He wasted no time in pulling her towards him, kissing her lips with frenzied urgency. She responded and, one thing leading to the next, soon enough they were sharing a moment of passion, love and lust, there in the Lupin's bedroom.

They fell asleep much later with whispered 'I love you's and 'Goodnight's. The morning after, he felt ashamed. Ashamed he had cheated on his wife. Ashamed he had abused of a former student's willingness. Ashamed he had liked it.

Ashamed he had fallen in love with someone he could never have.

He told Hermione so when she woke up, and they argued. He could see her heart breaking in little pieces from where he stood, and wanted nothing more than to be the one to mend it. He could see the hurt in her eyes, and wanted to take her in his arms and wipe her tears away. And it was killing him that he couldn't, just because of two stupid words he hadn't meant.

His heart was yearning for her, only her, and it made him burn when she walked away. Because that's exactly what he feared. That once he would have had a taste, he wouldn't be able to let go, and she would leave. And yet when the door closed, he felt nothing, as if she had left with his heart in her pocket.

It had been a year. A year since that fateful encounter. A year since she had left him, stealing his feelings in the process. And in that time, numerous things had happened. Numerous people had died. Fred, Colin… Tonks.

He was free, in a way. Free from marital duties, free from pretending, free from swallowing hid disappointment every time he woke up with the wrong woman… Free for Hermione.

He had been walking down Diagon Alley after his trial for custody of his son, when he saw her. She was worn out, her hair was a mess, her clothes were ruffled and she was carrying a heap of books that made her bend her back, but to Remus, she was the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.

She toppled over, and two or three books fell to the floor, landing with a soft thump. He had offered to help her, and she had no choice but to grudgingly agree. They used the Floo at the Leaky Cauldron, and Remus landed in Hermione's flat. She gestured towards a table and he dropped his pile unceremoniously on it.

He straightened and looked around. The flat was light, with its pale cream walls and light brown floorboards. It was spacious and modern and, as Remus saw it while looking down a corridor, had many rooms.

Out of politeness, Hermione invited him to join her for tea, and soon they were discussing what they had been doing when they met. "Well, as you can see, I was out buying books for a… friend. What about you?" she asked, swirling her tea with her spoon.

"Ah… I was at Teddy's custody trial." he replied, sipping a little on his.

"Really? Did you get it?" she asked, curious.

"Nope." he said, setting his empty cup back on the tray. "Harry got full custody. They didn't want me because they said my… condition would be bad influence."

"I'm sorry Remus." she said, staring at her feet.

"Don't be." he replied. When she looked at him curiously he developed. "I didn't want it. He reminds me too much of his late mother. I couldn't… I mean… I didn't love her." he blurted out.

"Remus!" she cried out, tea long forgotten. "How could you say that? She was the most caring, beautiful, loving woman you've ever met!"

He sighed. "No, Hermione. You are." she stiffened. "It's always been you. Ever since I saved you from Dolohov, I've harboured some feelings for you. And then that night… That night… Hermione I don't know what overcame me. It had been the most beautiful night of my life and I just threw it all away. I'm sorry. You're still Hermione, I'm still Remus and I love you."

She snorted. "What, you mean 'kick-you-out' sort of love? Or 'I-regret-it' sort of love? Don't lie to me, Remus. You don't love me, and you've made it pretty clear."

"Hermione, I-" he started, but she cut him off.

"No, Remus, I don't want to hear that you're sorry. I don't want to hear that you love me. I don't want us to do something _else_ you'll regret. I don't want this, and I don't want you." Remus stared.

_No. NO._ "Hermione, I love you." he managed to choke out. "I _love_ you." he said, louder.

"Remus, get out." she said, looking passive.

He did as he was told. As he opened the door, he felt her behind him. "Hermione," he said, afraid to look back. "I know perfectly well the consequences of our actions, and I don't regret them."

As he left, he heard her say: "Like _hell_ you do." but he wasn't sure what she meant by that. He galloped down the stairs and didn't stop until he was outside the building. It was raining. So he did the only thing he felt like doing just then. He cried.

He didn't know how long he cried, but it helped him think better. He wondered if it was her feeding the rain like it was her feeding his tears. He wondered if the air around him was truly burning or if it was just his heart going into flames.

He wondered if it was the whole world decaying or if it was just his life going down like a carnival of rust.

And as he wondered, he didn't see Hermione at her window, staring at the moon. He didn't hear her say to a three-month old baby in her arms: "Look Romulus, it's the moon. It's the most beautiful thing in the universe…" and kiss the baby's head.


End file.
